The Truth About Lying

Man, parenting is hard. I have two of the greatest kids in the world and I continually feel the burden of keeping them that way. My husband and I are passionate about having our boys be ones of integrity and character so we are trying to be proactive about teaching on things before they have a chance to pop up in our kid’s lives. There is not a night that goes by when I don’t fall into my bed with the same prayer on my lips, “Lord, I can’t do this on my own. I need Your strength and Your wisdom to know how to raise my boys. Help me! Show me what to do!”
One of the topics of discussion in our home as of late is the idea of telling the truth. How do you get your kids to tell the truth at all times? Should they tell the truth at all times (“I don’t like this food and I don’t want to eat it!)? How do you teach them the difference between when to speak truth and when to keep quiet? Is being quiet lying? Where does one draw the line between role playing or pretending and speaking the truth? What constitutes as a lie (ie. when my son doesn’t want to eat anymore and he says he’s “full up to here,” pointing to his eyebrows, even f he’s only taken two bites of his supper)? How nit-picky should one be in regards to truth? Should there be consequences to every lie I catch my son in, big or small? IF I’m diligent about correcting the small fibs, will that make him more aware of the big lies? So many questions that I wrestle with and for which I lack the answers for.
With this in mind, I was chatting with a friend the other day about teaching this issue to our kids. She agreed that she has wrestled with this subject in her family as well. In the course of our conversation, she related a story of how her son, when he was younger, was playing with a friend in the sandbox and he threw sand in his friend’s face. When my friend, his mom, called him inside, she said, “Son, I want you to tell me the truth. Did you throw sand in your friend’s face?” The son replied, “Mom? Do I have to tell the truth? Because whenever I tell you the truth, I get in trouble.” That was a profound story to me. I had tears behind my eyes as she shared with me, even as I do now. How does telling the truth provide my 5 year old with any benefits in the here and now, as my five year thinks at this point in his life? He doesn’t fully grasp integrity and righteousness (how many of us do?) and so telling the truth, combined with negative consequences will not be his first plan of attack. Who can blame him for choosing to lie? How do you combine consequences to the action of lying but rewards to the efforts of telling the truth?
I don’t know the answers to my questions. At least not yet. But there are a few things that I do know. First, I am grateful that God doesn’t expect me to, nor does He want me to do this alone. He doesn’t leave me floundering in my own weaknesses and inabilities. His Word says in James 1, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all, without finding fault.” What a joy to have the Ultimate Entity of wisdom pouring out His thoughts and knowledge into my heart and mind!
Second, I am extremely grateful for my husband, my partner, who loves our boys every bit as much as I do. I am thankful to be parenting with such a wise person, and a man of integrity who I can bounce ideas off of and turn to for help. I am thankful that I can pass issues off to him, not in the hope of getting out of a situation, but in an effort to make it as good as it can be because he is far more patient and understanding than I am. He’s a great dad, and he’s so great with our boys.
The third thing is the little sign I saw at my son’s preschool last year. It said, simply, “Catch them being good.” That’s just it, isn’t it? I may not know how to handle lying, or any other issue that rears it’s ugly head, but I do know how to respond to truth and to the courage it takes to speak it to me. I can commend my son on telling the truth and reward him for his actions. And, to take it a step further, my husband and I have been “creating” scenarios to allow era to tell us the truth. For example, hovering near the door to the bathroom, hearing him wash his hands before leaving the room, and asking him, “Era, did you wash your hands after going to the bathroom?” Era can confidently answer, in truth, “Yes, I did!” We can praise his efforts and his willingness to tell us the truth. Sometimes, in this scenario, we know that he didn’t take the time to wash his hands, and era knows that we know. It gives him an opportunity to tell us the truth that no, he didn’t wash his hands. But, because it’s not a life altering issue, the consequences are straight-forward and the lesson is clear. Be brave and speak truth at all times. It’s great to commend him for being honest and courageous in this situation.
Fourth, I am sensing that there isn’t a flat answer to this issue. I don’t think if era lies, I automatically do this. I think that each situation is unique in it’s rewards and consequences. This isn’t a huge comfort to me because it means I can’t be prepared for what might come my way. It isn’t always cut and dry, or black or white. I feel like decisions need to be made on an as needed basis, not in advance. Not as easy as an a + b = c life formula.
And finally, I need to concentrate on what’s best for my son and for our family. I have a tendency to care about how others would want me to respond in a situation. However, I need to respond how it’s best for us, and how my reaction will be of the greatest benefit for my son, our relationship and the lessons he can learn in any particular experience, even if it means responding differently than someone else thinks I should. It may mean honoring the truth that my child has told me over giving consequences to a wrong inflicted on someone else.
I know this isn’t the only issue that I will face with my son. I mean, he’s only 5 and he can’t stay perfect forever, can he? I can only entrust him to the Most High God, who loves him with a perfect love and a deeper love than I can ever comprehend.

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